Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

I coulda been a slut.

I say that with the utmost respect for the word "slut". To me, a "slut" is someone that owns their sexuality, their desires, and their body. To live with such confidence that you don't worry about what other people think you should do. That is true freedom, in my opinion. This goes against so much of what we are taught as women. Yet, this is a woman I'd be proud to be. By the time I finished high school, the idea previously implanted in my brain—that I had to wait until marriage to have sex—had faded. I was free from that one idea but far from understanding true sexual confidence.

I shoulda been a slut.

I was free from the typical worry of what birth control method to use. You see, when you have MRKH, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. This is a free ticket to casual sex and sleeping around.  Is this truly the silver lining to having MRKH? Ah-may-zing! Other people are eager to tell you so when they learn what MRKH is. Better yet, imagine things getting steamy with this totally hot person you've been dying to go out with…okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. Yes, it's true. I could still get a sexually transmitted infection (STI) even though I can't get pregnant. Yes, that means I still have to use protection. But, indulge me for a minute while I dream about this. Imagine getting caught up in the heat of the moment…I still didn't have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant. I truly was free to follow my desires. Or so I told myself.

I woulda been a slut.

IF. And there it is. The big "IF". I woulda been a slut IF I was someone else. But I wasn't. I was me, with this body, with this heart…and this soul. Though society is built for flings and one-night stands perpetuated by reality TV shows like Temptation Island, that is not who I am. Somewhere deep down inside, I knew that my heart wasn't built for casual, nameless sex. My heart was built for connection, belonging, and amazing sex--not one without the other.

My MRKH didn't push me into being a slut, and it wasn't my MRKH that kept me from being a slut, either. It was me - taking care of me and my heart. Through my journey with MRKH, I began to realize who I really was as a person—what mattered to me most, what made me feel good about myself, and what I truly wanted out of the relationships I had.  After all, if I were to share this truth of mine, it would have to be with someone who is deserving.

Believe me when I say I didn't always get it right. I shared my truth with guys that proved themselves to be undeserving in the end. But I'm happy I gave truth and trust a chance. The focus of many MRKH discussions is around our reproductive system, and while that for sure is at the core of our condition, it isn’t what defines us as a person.

Rima Zigaitis
Rima Zigaitis is a certified coach and the founder of Sumaavi and the Trusted Circle.
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